


why can't i say that i'm in love

by hufflebee



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, F/F, Fluff, Kissing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-27
Updated: 2017-10-27
Packaged: 2019-01-25 03:56:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12522420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hufflebee/pseuds/hufflebee
Summary: It’s some time later, both of them barely awake, breathless and sated, that Helen whispers, “I wish we could have this every day.”It shatters their perfect little lie, and Aline blinks back tears, thankful that Helen can’t see her face. She buries her nose in Helen’s hair, breathing her in, anchoring herself to her. She almost says that their days have been like this lately, at least most of them, but she knows that’s not what Helen meant. Before the sun rises, Aline needs to be back in her own bed, and when training comes around, she can only greet Helen with a smile and a nod, can only touch her if they’re sparring.“Maybe someday,” Aline whispers back, and if Helen hears the slight crack in her voice, she doesn’t comment on it.





	why can't i say that i'm in love

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: hufflebee.tumblr.com

Aline can hardly remember the name of the city whose streets she’s currently roaming, can much less remember the mission that brought her here, because the only important thing about this city is that it is not Alicante. She lets Helen drag her to a street performer, watches her as she watches him, enthralled by the music. There’s a sea of people around them, but they all fade into the background, as life often does when Aline is with Helen. They’ve had more opportunities like this recently, with Valentine slowly, but surely, returning, and Aline knows better than to thank the Angel for that, but she is thankful for the more frequent missions, more nights spent outside of Alicante, more hours where she and Helen can do more than hide in dark corners.

“You okay?”

Helen’s voice brings her out of her thoughts, and she smiles reassuringly, squeezing Helen’s hand. There’s still a cloud of worry in her light eyes, and Aline leans in to place a soft kiss to her cheek, earning the most beautiful blush. They explore for a bit longer, drinking in the mundane world as much as each other, because through the soft kisses and feather light touches, they both know their time is almost up.

It’s pitch black when they portal back into Alicante, and for the next half hour they’re both in full work mode, delivering reports and returning their weapons. It’s almost midnight by the time Aline starts walking home, struck by the quiet of the streets around her. Shadowhunters are usually the most active during the night, but in Alicante, with no demons to drag them out of bed, the night is still and uneventful. Passing by Helen’s house, Aline looks up at the second story window, smiling at the light coming from it.

Okay, maybe the nights aren’t completely uneventful.

Carefully, a Soundless rune still tingling on her arm, Aline climbs the tree beside the house, opening the window slowly, letting herself in. Her eyes immediately land on Helen, already in bed with only a loose shirt on, a smile on her face. Aline takes off her gear and most of her clothes before crawling over Helen, softly brushing her nose against hers when their bodies line up.

“Took you long enough,” Helen whispers, lips just barely brushing against Aline’s.

“Well, one of us had to fill the report properly.”

“Well, one of us had far more important things on her mind.”

“Yeah, like what?”

Helen surges up, lips pressing against Aline’s, warm and right, as one of her hands tangles in Aline’s hair, the other grabbing her thigh to pull her closer. Aline feels her body come alive beneath Helen’s lips and fingers, and Aline lets herself indulge in the breathy noises that escape her, catching the ones that escape Helen in needy kisses. She lowers herself down just enough for their bodies to align and by the Angel; they fit together so perfectly, soft, yet solid against each other. The rest of the clothes are quickly discarded, leaving them in a mess of skin and kisses, firm and hungry touches.

It’s some time later, both of them barely awake, breathless and sated, that Helen whispers, “I wish we could have this every day.”

It shatters their perfect little lie, and Aline blinks back tears, thankful that Helen can’t see her face. She buries her nose in Helen’s hair, breathing her in, anchoring herself to her. She almost says that their days have been like this lately, at least most of them, but she knows that’s not what Helen meant. Before the sun rises, Aline needs to be back in her own bed, and when training comes around, she can only greet Helen with a smile and a nod, can only touch her if they’re sparring.

“Maybe someday,” Aline whispers back, and if Helen hears the slight crack in her voice, she doesn’t comment on it.

 

* * *

 

It’s a week later that Helen and Aline are training together; stealing glances and touches when they’re sure no one’s eyes are on them. Right as they put their blades away, another Shadowhunter makes his way over to them.

“Hi Jacob, how have you been?” Helen asks, and the boy just shrugs.

“Could be better, looking after my siblings yesterday was a nightmare without my mom there,” he says.

“Is she okay?” Aline asks, because really what other reason do Shadowhunters in Idris have to not be with their children for a whole day?

“Yeah, she went to New York, Lydia Branwell and Alec Lightwood’s wedding.”

Aline feels as if though someone had pulled the floor from beneath her feet, feels her heart squeeze and throat close up. _Alec_. They haven’t seen each other in years, but the Lightwoods have been close family friends for as long as Aline can remember. She spent so much of her early training with Izzy and Alec, and later Jace, and she had seen something in Alec, something so very familiar, and it made her heart ache for him. They’d never talked about it, not really, and now she wishes she had had the courage to bring it up, had had the guts to show him he was not alone.

“But just as they were about to draw the runes, Magnus Bane walked into the chapel.”

Aline snaps herself back into the conversation then, saying, “Magnus Bane, as in the High Warlock of Brooklyn?”

“The one and only, guy’s a legend,” Helen says and nods towards Jacob to continue.

“Maryse Lightwood got up to talk to him, he told her off, and then Alec marched back down the aisle and kissed Magnus Bane in the middle of his own wedding.”

This time, Aline can see Helen freeze up just as she does, and they’re both just staring at Jacob, his words settling in. She vaguely registers that they should respond, or maybe their shocked reactions are exactly what he expects. Aline wants to laugh, wants to cry with relief for her friend, wants him to know the pride surging up inside her, and as aware as she is of how difficult life may be for him now, at that moment it hardly matters because Alec saved himself.

Someone seemingly calls Jacob away, and he leaves Helen and Aline standing there, still speechless. Their eyes meet, and the conversation hardly needs words. They’re both frightened for Alec, they both know what this could mean, but beyond that is hope, not just the fruitless kind whispered between the sheets, but real, solid, burning hope.

 

* * *

 

When she learns that Alec is made Head of the Institute, she all but runs to Helen’s house, barely keeping in mind to greet Helen’s family. She barges into Helen’s room, and before Helen can says anything, Aline blurts out, “Alec was just named Head of the New York Institute.”

Helen’s eyes widen and she lets out a breathless laugh, hugging Aline, and for a moment the world is perfect.

 

* * *

 

She almost has to leave by the time she manages to catch Alec in his office. She knocks faintly on the open door, and he looks up from the piles of papers on his desk.

“Can I come in?”

He smiles and nods, gesturing to the chair opposite him, and Aline makes her way to it, taking in the office, taking in Alec sitting behind that desk.

“This suits you very well,” she says as she sits down.

“Thank you,” he says. “How have you been?”

“Good, we’re all on high alert, but part of the job, as you know,” Aline says. “I’m just about to meet Izzy and then I’m off, but I wanted to see you before I left.”

He studies her for a moment, before asking, “Something on your mind?”

Aline takes a deep breath, thinking back on the past few weeks. She and Helen had continued their usual meetings, but they’d been filled with arguments. Well, not arguments really, but now that someday could be today, the possibility of coming out is awfully terrifying. There are days when Aline wants to shout how much she loves Helen from every rooftop in Alicante, and there are days when she wants to run away from all of it. And while Helen seems more ready to come out than Aline does, she’s far from sure.

And yet, looking at Alec now, remembering how he was when she last saw him, Aline is in awe of the difference.

“How did you do it?”

“Do what?”

“Stopped being terrified of being yourself.”

He seems surprised at the question, but Aline can almost see the exact moment her words click, and the understanding on his face fills her heart with so much emotion that she feels like she’ll choke on it.

“In the moment, I was terrified out of my mind. But later, Magnus asked me if I regretted it, and then I knew that if there was one thing I’d never regret, it was kissing him then, stopping the wedding. It’s hard, especially now that I’m running the Institute, but, Aline, trust me when I tell you that it is worth it.”

She nods in response, tears gathering in her eyes, and she gives him a shaky smile. He in turn watches her for a moment before getting up and making his way over to her. As soon as she’s on her feet, he hugs her, tight and brotherly, letting her cry silently, even for those few short moments.

“Take you time, but I promise you, it’s worth it and you’ll always have Izzy and me in your corner, if no one else,” he says as they part.

“Thank you, Alec,” she whispers. “Next time I’m in town, I hope I can meet Magnus.”

And Alec lights up, all smile and bright eyes, looking so in love, and that, more than anything else, makes Aline sure that love is worth anything.

 

* * *

 

Alicante is in madness for a while after that, but after Valentine is officially dead, all the Circle members locked up, the Great Hall becomes the scene of a party. Music echoes through the rooms and hallways, people dance and drink, letting go for at least this one night. Aline is standing in the corner of the room, her eyes on Helen, always on Helen, as she dances with Jacob. Aline’s conversation with Alec replays in her mind for Angel knows which time since she got back from New York, and maybe it’s the champagne, maybe it’s the energy in this room right now that makes anything seem possible, but Aline makes her way over to Jacob and Helen.

“Mind if I steal her away for a moment?”

Jacob nods and smiles, quickly disappearing into the crowd.

“Aline, is e-”

“I love you,” Aline says, and it’s far from the first time she’s said it, but it feels so different now, music and people around them. “I don’t want to hide that anymore. If you don’t either.”

“Are you sure?” Helen whispers, her voice shaking even as her eyes light up and the corners of her mouth twitch upwards.

“As sure as I’ll ever be.”

The world around them seems to slow down as Helen steps closer, as one of her hands settles on Aline’s cheek. The world seems to stop altogether when Helen kisses her, and keeps kissing her, and Aline finds that Alec was right.

Nothing could ever make her regret this.


End file.
